When Good Relationships Turn Bad — And What to Do About It
Have you had a relationship you thought was great — whether in your work or personal life, and then it turned bad? Sometimes it can be hard to recognize the signs, but after a while, more and more things go wrong, until you finally realize that the relationship has gone off the rails.
What do you do? My approach has been to just leave and erase the person from my life. But you can’t always do that, because you have assorted ties. Then, you may need other strategies, such as easing out of the relationship diplomatically or in some cases bring in the lawyers.
I was inspired to write this article after my disturbing experience in a business relationship with a client. When I shared what happened with others, I suddenly discovered that several guests at a party for entrepreneurs had their own horror stories. Thus, I want to tell you my story and what I learned from it. And eventually, I will be turning this into a book and film series, featuring stories by dozens of other people about their own good to bad relationship stories.
What happened for me is I began a book project for a middle-aged woman who shall remain nameless and I have changed other identifying information. There were already signs that this might not be a good client to work with, because she reported all kinds of problems with people, some of which I was writing up in the book, while other conflicts were just things she told me about. For instance, she had broken with most of her family, and her parents and grown children weren’t speaking to her; she had just gone through a difficult and traumatic divorce claiming her husband of over 20 years was abusive; and she was battling her new boss at work, claiming he was incompetent and a tyrant.
As I worked with her, misunderstandings piled upon misunderstandings, because she wasn’t clear about what she wanted or repeatedly changed her mind. Then, she blamed me for not understanding her clearly or spending too much time doing something she asked me to do, after I recommended against doing it.
For example, for a time she asked me to go looking for printers, because she wanted the book published in a certain format that was not handled by the regular print-on-demand publishers, such as KDP and IngramSpark. Further complicating matters, she wanted the printing ready in time for an upcoming holiday, since she didn’t understand the long time required by most printers for set-up and the need to print at least 500 or 1000 books for a print run to make economic sense. Additionally, while I was doing this research on printers, she yelled at me for not inquiring about expedited shipping, although such shipping would only shave a few days off the delivery, because most of the time for a print job is for set-up and printing. Finally, when I explained that she would need to set up a special Amazon Sellers Account and arrange for warehousing and shipping, she relented and agreed to a print-on-demand process, as I recommended in the first place.
Then, there were all kinds of problems about formatting the book, since she wanted everything done a certain way. As a result, when I initially did an editorial polish to tighten up the copy, she said no, telling me firmly that she liked to say things a certain way. So she was adamant that I shouldn’t edit or change her copy in any way. Accordingly, that’s what I did, by just copying and pasting the written material she sent me into the book.
Still more problems occurred when I recommended a book cover designer I had worked with before to do her cover for IngramSpark, which requires designers to precisely follow the PDF or InDesign specs for a template. But the woman said, no, since she had talked to a person I referred to do a social media campaign for her. So now she wanted to work with this woman to do her graphics.
Unfortunately, the first two covers the designer created came back and had to be redone, though the woman at first wanted to blame me for the problem, saying it was probably due to a logistics problem. Finally, everything blew up after the social media person arranged to upload the cover herself, rather than sending them to me do it. This time, her upload somehow that resulted in the interior cover that was already in the system to drop out so it had to be uploaded again. Then, when she looked at the file, she noticed some typos — the result of the woman author wanting me to use her own copy and telling me not to edit or change it. So now the author blamed me for the corrections, which the social media person was now going to make and asked me refund a few thousand dollars as well as pay her for the copies she had ordered with the typos. She even claimed I had charged a large sum she didn’t authorize — but there was no such charge, just a final much smaller payment I charged, because some final formatting took longer than expected, and I thought she had said to go ahead when we discussed this.
The conclusion? I said I’d send the author a check for the hundred copies she ordered, so I could consider the matter closed and wouldn’t work for her again. Then, that experience got me thinking about all the lessons I learned from the series of mishaps. Also, I realized how many people can get sucked along in what they think has been a good relationship, though they have ignored warning signs along the way. So here are some things to watch for in order to recognize that a once good relationship is turning bad. The person….
1) Has recurring problems with others, which can be a sign that things are going wrong.
2) Frequently complains about and blames others for their behavior.
3) Has conflicts with a lot of other people, including people you refer to them.
4) Has gone through a major traumatic experience in life, such as a messy divorce or a breakup with a longtime intimate partner.
5) Is experiencing a lot of stress at home or at work, and may be ready to lash out at others.
6) Says that other people in their close relationships, such as members of their family, have stopped talking to them.
7) Feels they have all the answers and ignores your recommendations that are based on your knowledge and experience.
8) Is not willing to listen to the other person’s side of the story.
9) Is very judgmental and critical of others.
10) Is in a big rush to get something done and has unrealistic ideas about how quickly it can be done.
11) Has unrealistic expectations about what can be done when, especially if they have difficulty accepting feedback that their ideas are unrealistic
Perhaps you can think of still other indications that a good relationship is turning bad. Although my observations about this situation initially came from my experience in working with a difficult client, I realized in thinking about some past relationships and discussing about the relationship problems of others that these insights can apply to anyone in their work or personal relationships.
As for what to do when you see the warning signs? Well, that’s something I’ll discuss in another article.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
GINI GRAHAM SCOTT, Ph.D., J.D., is a nationally known writer, consultant, speaker, and seminar leader, specializing in business and work relationships, professional and personal development, social trends, and popular culture. She has published 50 books with major publishers. She has worked with dozens of clients on memoirs, self-help, popular business books, and film scripts. Writing samples are at www.changemakerspublishingandwriting.com.
She is the founder of Changemakers Publishing, featuring books on work, business, psychology, social trends, and self-help. The company has published over 150 print, e-books, and audiobooks. She has licensed several dozen books for foreign sales, including the UK, Russia, Korea, Spain, and Japan.
She has received national media exposure for her books, including appearances on Good Morning America, Oprah, and CNN. She has been the producer and host of a talk show series, Changemakers, featuring interviews on social trends.
Scott is active in a number of community and business groups, including the Lafayette, Pleasant Hill, and Walnut Creek Chambers of Commerce. She is a graduate of the prestigious Leadership Contra Costa program. She does workshops and seminars on the topics of her books.
She is also the writer and executive producer of 10 films in distribution, release, or production. Her most recent films that have been released include Driver, The New Age of Aging, and Infidelity.
She received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, and her J.D. from the University of San Francisco Law School. She has received five MAs at Cal State University, East Bay, most recently in Communication.