When Good Relationships Go Bad: A Good Boss Becomes a Monster
This is the first in a series of stories about relationships that have gone bad, and you get a chance to think about what you would do in this situation or what you would advise someone else to do. You can also compare your choice with others and share your reasons. Then, learn what happened in the real case or what a relationships expert advises the person to do. In the stories, the names and identities have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals involved.
If you have your own stories to share, let me know. Send me an email at giniscott@sbcglobal.net. I plan to include other stories in future articles and a book and film on this topic. I can also give you my suggestions if you still are deciding what to do.
Here’s what happened to Pam whose boss who had been a friend turned into a monster.
Pam’s Dilemma
Pam had long been friends with Jessica, and for a few years, they both worked together in the customer relationships department, where they mainly talked to irate customers over the phone or by email. Typically, the customers complained about getting damaged merchandise or not receiving anything, so Pam and Jessica had to reassure them, fill out insurance claims, and arrange a new delivery. Or if customers reported packages taken from their porch, they had to tell them to call their local police and insurance company, since the company was not responsible, because the packages were delivered but stolen. And that often led to a fight with a frustrated customer.
After a day of hearing such complaints, Pam felt tense and exhausted, and she liked relaxing with Jessica at a local bar to share their war stories and give each other supportive pep talks. Afterwards, Pam felt re-energized and ready to face the next barrage of angry customers the following day.
Then, Jessica got promoted to head up the customer service complaints unit and became Pam’s boss. At first, all was fine.
After work they would head to the local bar as usual and swap their war stories of the day. So they would laugh and commiserate together, support each other, and feel their spirits revive as usual. But after several weeks of swapping stories, Jessica announced that she was getting divorce. She had been going through several months of torment after over 20 years of marriage and three grown up kids, because she and her husband had been fighting over alimony, who got what in the house, and how to divvy up the proceeds from a house sale. As Jessica explained, she hadn’t want to share her difficult situation with anyone at work or with her friends and other family members. But now she planned to take a week off to feel better about everything and come back her to take charge of the complaints unit as usual.
But after Jessica returned, she seemed like a different person to Pam. Suddenly, Jessica cancelled their after work sharing sessions, and now instead of being a warm, caring boss, who coordinated who handled what clients and was helpful when a rep had questions, she was stern and demanding.
Pam found the change especially disturbing, since she felt she not only had to deal with a tough, uncompromising boss but had lost a friend. Worse, she found many of Jessica’s demands unreasonable and rigid.
For example, one time a woman called to complain because a package came a day later than expected, so now she wanted to return it and get a refund. “I’ll look into it,” Pam said. But when she told Jessica, Jessica yelled at her and called her stupid for not researching why the package came late, which would have revealed that the woman had ordered a standard delivery, rather than paying extra for an expedited delivery, so no refund was due. In response, Pam listened quietly and apologized for not checking on the original order, though she thought Jessica was out of line for insulting her and not understanding that she wanted to maintain a good relationship with the customer.
Another time, Pam filled out a new customer complaint form incorrectly, and Jessica yelled at her for making a dumb mistake, telling her, “You should know better. We pay good money to have you handle these complaints correctly, and when you do it wrong and have to do it again, it costs us money.” Again, Pam remained calm and stoic as Jessica berated her, and she assured Jessica that she would be more careful next time. She even told Jessica that she would correct the forms on her own time, so there would be no extra costs to the company.
Then, one day when Pam had plans for the evening, Jessica insisted that she stay to handle an unexpected mix-up where the shipping department sent the wrong merchandise to a customer. Now the company needed to send an apology letter and a special delivery package with next shipping forms. “Just cancel whatever you have planned,” Jessica insisted. “This has be done now.” Though Pam offered to deal with the issue the first thing in the morning, Pam was unwavering. “No. I expect you to do whatever is necessary to prepare the shipment now.” So Pam cancelled her plans and filled the order, though she was fuming inside, and she felt like quitting and telling Jessica off.
What Should Pam Do?
So what she Pam do? And what would you do in this situation?
1) Pam should try to calm down and get over being upset and angry. She should recognize that Jessica is under a lot of pressure because of her promotion and divorce, so she should just go along to get along, figuring that Jessica will stop bugging her if she does the job correctly.
2) Pam should quit and find another job, and she doesn’t need to explain anything to Jessica, because Jessica now wants things done a certain way and doesn’t want to confront any challenges to her authority.
3) Pam should arrange to meet with Jessica to discuss the situation and try to repair the relationship. She should describe how she misses her old friend and she wonders if Jessica might have become so harsh with her, because she is under a lot of pressure due to becoming her boss and getting through a difficult divorce.
4) Pam should tell Jessica she is thinking of quitting, because she doesn’t think it is a good idea to keep working there, since they were once friends, and it is hard to remain friends while she is now working for her. So she hopes they can be friends again, once she leaves. Then, Pam should see what Jessica thinks, before she decides what to do.
5) Pam should complain to Jessica’s supervisor about how Jessica has been treating her badly, and let the supervisor talk to Pam.
6) Pam should talk to other employees to see if Jessica has been harsh with them, too. Then, Pam and the other employees who feel they have been treated unfairly should go to Jessica as group and seek to work out a more amicable working relationship. Then, if Jessica doesn’t change and become more warm and supportive as she used to be, they can complain to her supervisor.
What Pam Did and What Happened
In this case, Pam decided she just wanted to leave and didn’t want to confront Jessica about what was going on, since she felt Jessica might get defensive, resulting in a big blow-up, since Jessica already seemed to be ready to fight with anyone. Moreover, given the way Jessica had treated her, Pam didn’t feel she could put that experience aside and be friends again, at least for now. Maybe sometime in the future, when she was feeling more removed from the problem and less stress, she could reach out to Jessica to try to restore their friendship. But she felt that was something to consider later; for now, she just wanted to get out of the difficult situation and find another job, which she felt would be easy, given the growing customer service industry
Thus, having made this decision, Pam sought to make her departure as smooth as possible by writing Jessica a note to say she appreciated the opportunity to work together, but now she felt it was time to gain other kinds of work experiences. Pam also mentioned that she had enjoyed their long friendship together and hoped in the future they might get together for old time’s sake. Though Pam felt sure she didn’t want to resume their friendship after what happened at work, she felt it best not to burn any bridges, so she left that option open in order to not leave on bad terms.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
GINI GRAHAM SCOTT, Ph.D., J.D., is a nationally known writer, consultant, speaker, and seminar leader, specializing in business and work relationships, professional and personal development, social trends, and popular culture. She has published 50 books with major publishers. She has worked with dozens of clients on memoirs, self-help, popular business books, and film scripts. Writing samples are at www.changemakerspublishingandwriting.com.
She is the founder of Changemakers Publishing, featuring books on work, business, psychology, social trends, and self-help. The company has published over 150 print, e-books, and audiobooks. She has licensed several dozen books for foreign sales, including the UK, Russia, Korea, Spain, and Japan.
She has received national media exposure for her books, including appearances on Good Morning America, Oprah, and CNN. She has been the producer and host of a talk show series, Changemakers, featuring interviews on social trends.
Scott is active in a number of community and business groups, including the Lafayette, Pleasant Hill, and Walnut Creek Chambers of Commerce. She is a graduate of the prestigious Leadership Contra Costa program. She does workshops and seminars on the topics of her books.
She is also the writer and executive producer of 10 films in distribution, release, or production. Her most recent films that have been released include Driver, The New Age of Aging, and Infidelity.
She received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, and her J.D. from the University of San Francisco Law School. She has received five MAs at Cal State University, East Bay, most recently in Communication.