What to Do When a Good Relationship Turns Bad
Previously I discussed how to recognize when a good relationship turned bad, and I described my experience working with a very difficult client who had once been a great client.
In this case, once I recognized the problem, I wrote the woman a detailed letter describing how there had been a series of miscommunications, and I offered to send her a check for a third of the amount she asked for as a refund for the work I had done, based on what it would have cost to work with a virtual assistant. In effect, she wanted back the difference in what she paid after she hired a lawyer to do the work of a typist or receptionist.
I made the offer in order to avert not only any possible credit card claims against the charges she authorized but also to end the relationship, so she wouldn’t contact me again. Almost immediately, she wrote back letting me know where I could send the check, so I figured it was all over. But she wrote back to say she owed me an apology, because she had been too harsh, although she still incorrectly understated the amount of work I had done. Then, she said she appreciated the check I would be sending and hoped we could maintain a relationship, because she realized now she should use me for the big jobs, not the small jobs she had asked me to do.
But did I want to continue the relationship under the circumstances? That can be the big question, when a good relationship turns bad, because the person may seek to resume the relationship. Sometimes it works to try again, but other times, trying once more just resets the clock and it can actually escalate the bad situation, so matters become even worse. That’s a scenario that often occurs in the domestic abuse stories you read about where a woman keeps returning to an abusive spouse or partner, and the story goes public when she gets killed.
In my case, I wrote back to say I appreciated her letter but I was sending the check to settle the matter and end the relationship, so once she cashed the check that meant she wouldn’t contact me again. Certainly, someone else in the situation I faced might have responded differently, saying something like: “Sure, I’ll send the check and then you can contact me and continue the relationship in the future.” But I chose to close the door on any future relationship, because I felt more comfortable doing that.
So what should you do once you recognize the warning signs of a bad relationship? What should you do if the other person wants to restart and continue the relationship? Following are some tips on what to do, once you realize a good relationship has gone bad.
1) Decide if the relationship is worth saving. Ask yourself if it is sufficiently beneficial to you to try to preserve it. Consider if the good things about the relationship outweigh the bad.
2) Assess what has gone wrong in the relationship. Make a list of the problems and consider how serious they are to you. Perhaps rate them on a scale of 1 to 5, based on how much that problem bothers you.
3) Think about what you would like to change to make the relationship work again. Consider if it is worth taking the time to make those changes to save the relationship.
4) If the other person has brought up their concerns or complaints about the relationship, whether in writing or in conversation, be open to listening to what the person is saying. Then, consider if those concerns, complaints, or accusations are true, and if so, you might need to change yourself, as well.
4) Once you have assessed the situation, decide if you want to end the relationship or try to save it. Compare what is wrong versus what you value in the relationship, so you can weigh the relative merits of trying again with some changes versus ending the relationship now.
5) If you hope to make the relationship work again, talk to the other person by phone or in a face-to-face meeting, or send them an email or letter describing what you feel went wrong and what you hope to change. Use the communication approach which you feel is most comfortable for you and the other person. Sometimes it can help to put your initial concerns about what went wrong and what you would like to change in an email or letter. This way the other person can read this and understand your thoughts and feelings about what happened without your comments starting an argument. Then, you can later discuss your written comments in a conversation, or the other person can respond in writing, too, and after that, you can write back or arrange a call to discuss what to do.
6) Consider having a trial or probation period where you see how well your proposal to resume the relationship under new conditions is working.
7) If you feel it would help and the other person is agreeable, bring in a trusted friend or associate who is a good listener or hire a coach, consultant, or counselor to listen to you and the other person discuss what happened. Then, that person can help you work out an understanding about what you both can do to save the relationship.
8) Whether you do this yourself or with the help of another party, work out an understanding about how you and the other person will treat each other and work together in the future.
9) If you are both agreeable to trying again, see how things work out. If the relationship is going smoothly again, great! If not, be ready to either begin the process again to seek more changes or recognize that this attempt to save the relationship won’t work.
10) Once you decide that fixing the relationship won’t work, be ready to leave the relationship and move on.
If you decide to move on, it can sometimes be hard to do, because you have built up a bond of connections and find it difficult to let go, especially if the other person tries to contact you again to keep the relationship going. So what should you do to make the break? That’s what I’ll discuss in the next article in the series.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
GINI GRAHAM SCOTT, Ph.D., J.D., is a nationally known writer, consultant, speaker, and seminar leader, specializing in business and work relationships, professional and personal development, social trends, and popular culture. She has published 50 books with major publishers. She has worked with dozens of clients on memoirs, self-help, popular business books, and film scripts. Writing samples are at www.changemakerspublishingandwriting.com.
She is the founder of Changemakers Publishing, featuring books on work, business, psychology, social trends, and self-help. The company has published over 150 print, e-books, and audiobooks. She has licensed several dozen books for foreign sales, including the UK, Russia, Korea, Spain, and Japan.
She has received national media exposure for her books, including appearances on Good Morning America, Oprah, and CNN. She has been the producer and host of a talk show series, Changemakers, featuring interviews on social trends.
Scott is active in a number of community and business groups, including the Lafayette, Pleasant Hill, and Walnut Creek Chambers of Commerce. She is a graduate of the prestigious Leadership Contra Costa program. She does workshops and seminars on the topics of her books.
She is also the writer and executive producer of 10 films in distribution, release, or production. Her most recent films that have been released include Driver, The New Age of Aging, and Infidelity.
She received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, and her J.D. from the University of San Francisco Law School. She has received five MAs at Cal State University, East Bay, most recently in Communication.