Using The E-R-I Method of Conflict Resolution to Decide What to Do When a Good Relationship Goes Bad
The Potential for Conflict in Relationships
The possibility for conflict exists everywhere, which means that potentially, any relationship can go from good to bad or worse Conflicts arise out of everyday differences of opinion, disagreements, and the clash of different ideas, needs, drives, wishes, lifestyles, values, beliefs, interests, and personalities. Yet conflicts are more than just debates or negotiations. They occur when everyday differences escalate into hostile or emotion-provoking encounters that strain everyday personal and business relationships.
For example, a bill from a business consultant you have long trusted is higher than you expect or think it should be. When you go to discuss it, he explains that the increased amount is justified because he spent more time than usual since you asked for extra work. But you think he should have done this work at no extra charge because of your long time relationship. After some debate, a real conflict might develop if either of you become emotional and angry, such as if you adamantly insist you won’t pay the extra fee because the consultant didn’t advise you in advance; while the consultant threatens to no longer work with you if you don’t pay. Then, the long-term relationship can go up in flames, because it has becomes a heated verbal combat based on competing or opposing interests, and in some cases, tensions can rise even more, as you storm out or threaten the consultant with reporting your complaint to the local business bureau or filing a chargeback with your merchant account.
Or take what might happen to undermine the perfect romantic relationship. A couple is planning to get married, when the man finds he has to go out of town for several weeks on an assignment. After he tells his girlfriend this, she feels abandoned or suspects he is cheating on her, setting the stage for a huge argument, that could even turn into a physical fight, leading him to storm out and threaten to cancel the marriage, after which the woman slams the door, saying if he goes on the trip, she never wants to see him again. But afterwards, they both regret what happened and wonder if they can repair the relationship by working out their differences, since they still love each other.
Such conflicts leading relationships to go back occur again and again in all types of human relationships — between spouses, lovers, friends, business associates, relatives, neighbors, parents and children, everybody. And conflicts can occur internally when you face opposing desires and needs that pull you in different directions.
Deciding What to Do to Deal with a Conflict
How do you deal with a conflict or any other problem that has turned a good relationship bad? When you don’t know how to deal with these problems, the relationship can get even worse, though the relationship could be saved by overcoming the problem. Unfortunately, angry words can turn into violence, a revenge vendetta, defamation on the Internet, and further hostile encounters.
On the other hand, with proper strategy, a deteriorating relationship can be fixed or be ended more amicably. For example, the business consultant might agree to defer the extra payment this time, while you agree that you will clarify what you expect on future consultations.
To take a work example, you might turn a conflict with a co-worker who was once a good friend into a win-win situation, such as when you are both vying for a similar position. Maybe your co-worker is more interested in the title, management duties, and the larger office with a great view that come with the position, while you are more interested in the more challenging technical work you will be doing in the new job. So possibly by clarifying what you are each looking for in the new job, you might each be able to get what you want and turn the conflict into a source of opportunity for you both.
Or in the marriage scenario, instead of the long trip ending the plans for a marriage, a compromise might be reached. For instance, the man might invite his girlfriend to take a vacation at the location where he will be working. Or the conflict could be a sign that it’s time to amicably end the marriage plans, because the man and the woman have different incompatible goals.
In short, with the proper conflict management skills, problems in relationships can be worked out — and even turned into a positive source for improved interpersonal relationships and personal growth. The key is not to avoid conflict, which is potentially inherent in all social interactions and the many choices we make, but to recognize it and manage it skillfully to produce the best outcome.
Using the E-R-I Method for Conquering Conflict and Fixing Relationships
So what should you do to deal with a conflict, especially when a good relationship turns bad? Back in 1990, I developed a model for conflict resolution and wrote about in Resolving Conflict, which is still being published. The model is called the emotional-rational-intuitive (E-R-I) method of conflict resolution, and it provides an ideal method for deciding what to do about a once good but now problematic relationship.
Here’s the way the ERI method works. Think of any conflict situation as a problem to be solved. Once you get past the emotions involved, use your reason and intuition to deal with the core problem.
The first step is to get the emotions — yours or the other person’s — out of the way. Then, you use your reason and your intuition to make choices about how to react in conflict situations. You base your approach on the circumstances, the personalities, interests, and needs of the people involved, and on your own goals, interests, and needs.
This is a powerful approach because at its heart any serious conflict engages the emotions of its participants. Therefore, one of the first steps in resolving conflict is to defuse the negative emotions generated by the conflict — both your own feelings and that of others. That includes getting calm and relaxing even if you are still upset inside, which will help to calm the other person, too. Or perhaps walk away from the situation for a time to give you and the other person a chance to release any negative feelings. Another technique is to find something else that you like to do and participate in that activity for a while to help you blow off steam and replace your negative emotions with positive ones, since you are now doing something you like. Or to feel better, perhaps call up someone you feel comfortable with and talk to them by phone or in person. Otherwise, if you don’t defuse the negative emotions, that will contribute to further raising the emotional tension level, and you will not only feel worse but make the relationship worse, as well.
Once emotions are defused, you can use your reason or intuition, as appropriate, to figure out possible resolutions acceptable to the other party. Or if you decide the relationship isn’t worth saving, you can leave calmly without regretting what you have said or done in the anger or upset you feel in the moment.
To use your reason, figure out the best strategies or actions to take now to achieve a possible resolution. If this is an extremely difficult situation and you can’t realistically resolve or defuse emotions, you might use the rational-intuitive method to decide that the best thing to do is to delay and walk away, so you can obtain more information, as well as cool down the heat of the argument. Then, you can regroup and come back prepared to resolve the situation. So initially avoidance can be just the ticket, rather than trying to work out the problem when you and the other party are still upset and you don’t have all the information you need.
In using your reason, think about the major problems that have led to the difficulties you have experienced in the relationship. For example, do you have a communications breakdown, where you haven’t been listening to each other? Do you have different understandings or expectations about what you expect the relationship to be? Is the conflict due to discovering you have different values and beliefs? Then, you select the appropriate problem-solving techniques from an arsenal of possible strategies for dealing with the conflict, such as whether you are open to compromise, and if so, what is less important to you and what are you willing to give up in return for changes by the other person, based on what is most important to them.
Then, too, consider the five major ways of dealing with any conflict, and think about which ones are best to use in this situation. You can think of these as a matrix that was originally developed by Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann in 1972 called the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. It is based on considering the degree to which you attempt to satisfy your own concerns or the other’s concerns and results in five styles of dealing with a conflict:
- the Competitive Style, where you seek to get your own way;
- the Avoidant Style, where you seek to walk about from the problem;
- the Collaborative Style, where you seek to discuss the issues and work out a resolution with the other party;
- the Accommodating Style, where you are willing to give in to what the other wants to obtain peace;
- and the Compromising Style, where you give a little and the other person gives a little.
In deciding which approach to use, consider how important fixing this relationship is to you, what you are willing to give up to obtain the desired result, or how much you want to other person to change and in what way to continue the relationship. Also, consider your bottom line to preserve the relationship and how much you are willing to move on if you can achieve your minimal requirement to keep the relationship going. Possibly, too, consider having a probationary or trial period if it seems like you and the other person have worked out an arrangement to improve the relationships. But if things go back to the way they were, maybe it’s time for another discussion to fix the relationship or maybe, in light of the failure of this probationary period, it really is time to move on.
Your intuition comes into play in helping you come up with alternatives and deciding on the best approach for you. Once you select the appropriate technique, you determine the best way to apply it. The optimal choices depend on your ability to assess the situation and the alternatives rationally and your ability to intuit what option is best for the situation. Then, you have to put that choice into action.
So now, if you have any relationships that have gone bad or are in any other conflict situation, work on putting aside your emotions. Then, think rationally about your reasons and the other person’s reasons that have led to this difficult situation. Consider the five different ways of approaching a conflict — competition, avoidance, accommodation, collaboration, and compromise — and decide what approach to use. Base your decision on what you think might work best with the other person, what approach you feel most comfortable using, and how important it is for you to fix the relationship versus walking away from it. Recognize that you can always change your approach and use multiple approaches. Finally, take action to various fix the relationship, change it, or leave it, using your intuition to guide you along the way.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
GINI GRAHAM SCOTT, Ph.D., J.D., is a nationally known writer, consultant, speaker, and seminar leader, specializing in business and work relationships, professional and personal development, social trends, and popular culture. She has published 50 books with major publishers. She has worked with dozens of clients on memoirs, self-help, popular business books, and film scripts. Writing samples are at www.changemakerspublishingandwriting.com.
She is the founder of Changemakers Publishing, featuring books on work, business, psychology, social trends, and self-help. The company has published over 150 print, e-books, and audiobooks. She has licensed several dozen books for foreign sales, including the UK, Russia, Korea, Spain, and Japan.
She has received national media exposure for her books, including appearances on Good Morning America, Oprah, and CNN. She has been the producer and host of a talk show series, Changemakers, featuring interviews on social trends.
Scott is active in a number of community and business groups, including the Lafayette, Pleasant Hill, and Walnut Creek Chambers of Commerce. She is a graduate of the prestigious Leadership Contra Costa program. She does workshops and seminars on the topics of her books.
She is also the writer and executive producer of 10 films in distribution, release, or production. Her most recent films that have been released include Driver, The New Age of Aging, and Infidelity.
She received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, and her J.D. from the University of San Francisco Law School. She has received five MAs at Cal State University, East Bay, most recently in Communication.